Do to recent videos I have seen with Carlos Menstealia's Jokes. (South Park, which is a GRRREAT way to tell someone they've fucked up) I figure from time to time I am going to Put my jokes in here for legal purposes. That and videos. I am thinking about making yet another new website, yes I know I change my websites like I change my hair styles. HEY! (writes that one down) sweet.
Most of these are observations and VERY VERY rough draft, as I am now making them up from the spot from the notes in my iPhone. I'll go quotes from my phone then write some foolery for it. Aaaahhh, comedy at its roots. Keep in mind most of this stuff isn't probably going to be funny, but like everything you gotta start with a piece of coal and work it down to the diamonds.
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1. "Nick Shows; Legends of the hidden temple, double dare - mom always finding flag in nose. NEVER finds it. Or in the pizza. Are you afraid of the dark. Everyone loves this show. Pete and Pete. Nick at Night, Taxi, Lucy, dude... WONDER YEARS! Nick jr. Little bear, fuck little bear. can't even say house right. Says hoose. And his dad always fishes. Franklin. The only animal in that cartoon with an actual name."
a. You know writing stand-up requires a lot of obscure thinking. Taking things from your life and putting them in real world situations to have people relate to them. I'm at the ripe old age of 21, and what do I know? Well what does every 21 year old know? TV. Video Games. Drinking. Smoking Pot. Getting in trouble with the law. Which sometimes ties into sex. I'm lying by the way, it ALWAYS ties into sex. Yeah baby, that's right, I got arrested. "Oh my god he's such a bad boy!" Remember when you were little? When everything was just so innocent? Watching Nickelodeon, when shows were still good. rockos modern life, that show ROCKED! Legends of the hidden temple, BLUE BARRACUDAS FOR LIFE! I always wanted to be in that gameshow. That and Double Dare, ohhh we all remember double dare. Physical challenge baby, physical challenge. And the thing at the end where the mom always had to pick the flag out of the nose but she could NEVER find the damn flag, the dad is there next to the giant pizza going CMON LADY! WE NEED TO GET THAT BRAND NEW 1996 WALKMAN FOR HIKING! We could be on nick arcade jumping over snakes!
b. OOOHHH I would have DOMINATED that game. All the kids pissed me off soooo much, Always failing. screw going out playing football I was inside all day playing goldeneye!!! That's right, we all remember that one level. Where you have to spin around pressing the C buttons to get back in the vent and just camp there with proximity mines. That was very selective, but it doesn't matter there are at least... 2 people that know what i'm talking about, that jokes for us. Video games are fun but what's that thing you don't get when you play them too much... um... OH YEAH! women! I was on facebook recently and.. I don't normally like to talk about facebook cuz that's just another nerdy thing to talk about.. HAHAHA FARMVILLE YEAH! (frown and flip off random location) Well my girlfriend showed me this facebook group, It's called 'treat your woman like you'd treat your xbox'. Any of you women agree with this? A man should treat a woman as well as he treats his xbox? My first thought was 'are you really serious!?' You want me to play with you with 3 other guys at the same time? Then I thought she already does make a lot of noise and overheats too much anyway. Then she got her red ring of death, its fine I was under that 3 month warranty so I just replaced her with a new one.
2. "Christmas, company survey, t-shirt, dating, sex, survey, tshirt. order pictures like amusement park rides. pose. Oral sex is degrading because of putting their hand on your head. WOAH WOAH WOAH MISSY! I can't even do this anymore..."
a. Women are strange creatures man, anyone ever date a british girl? I mean the 'ELLO POPPET!' type of women. NONE of those women like to go down on a guy, they say its too degrading or something, probably why all of em are single, no I know that can't be true because have any of you guys ever SLEPT with a girl like that? With the thick accent. I don't recommend it. Try to get the job done with her constantly saying 'oh! 'arder! 'arder! oh you making me so 'ot 'n 'eavy!' (throw down stool) alright get the fuck outta my house I can't do this... Head is degrading you don't see us complaining! I asked a girl once she told me 'its because guys put themselves in a place of power when they grab on to my hair' please, you have any guy go down on you if you put your hand on their head and pull their hair there is NO way in hell they're gonna go "WOAH WOAH WOAH MISSY! That's degrading you know what I can't even do this anymore"
b. The company I work for recently gave a survey out. They said if you fill out the survey, mail it in, we'll give you this free T-Shirt for participating... okay, oooh, a t-shirt. You can't just bribe me with a t-shirt okay? What a way to advertise yourself though, walk around with your company logo on there. What a way to get women too, you sleep with a girl. "Okay now that that's over I want you to complete a survey, just mark how well all the sexual positions were 1 to 10, we'll give you a t-shirt." there's a t-shirt of just my picture (thumbs up mouth open smiling). What a way to advertise, COME ON DOWN! SLEEP WITH MARK! Making commercials and shit, like some amusement park ride "must be this tall to ride" ...."and this skinny too" pretty soon lines start forming out of my bedroom, and after its over you can look at your picture of you during the ride, women just posing. BEST RIDE EVER!
3. "Weed commercials; Dog commercial, pot commercial. Forgetting is drunk not high. Drawing on a girls face."
a. Where the hell do I come up with this stuff? ... Anyone else here really high? It's cool it's cool I got a card! I don't know what you're doing with your life, this is great. Everything is just funny, I never understood all these stupid shows until I got high and watched them, after that it was just like "ooohhhhh, THAT'S why this exists." The only thing greater than the shows is the commercials, have you ever seen the anti-weed commercials? Obviously these people have NO clue what they're talking about, they touch on EVERY drug except for pot. These are actual commercial by the way, one has a girl on the phone "no way, really? I did that with him, I don't remember, I was SO high." Let me ask you a question, in the history of weed, has it EVER contributed to memory loss? ............... Let me rephrase the question. Seriously though nobody has ever smoked so much they forget the ENTIRE night and just slept with a guy, not if its only weed. That is what alcohol does you dumb asses. There's another commercial too, oh this ones the show stopper. It shows a girl coming home from school, she's high obviously cuz she's going through the refrigerator, probably looking for the ice cream sandwiches or about to make a casadilla, we've all been there, but I digress. While she's looking for the munchies this dog talks to her, let me repeat that, the dog TALKS to her. going through the refrigerator all of a sudden "hey Lindsay?" She looks hella fast, probably thinking "...what the hell was that?" she sees this dog "I wish you didn't smoke weed, you're not the same when you smoke, and I miss my best friend... I'll be outside." then the dog just goes away. I don't know about you, but if my dog was TALKING to me? I think I would raise some questions. First one is what the hell did this guy put in my weed!? dog comes back "hey Lindsay... I noticed you were making casadillas can I have some?" They put some stupid stuff on the TV man...
4. "Infomercials; People before product is announced are retards. impossible to do mundane tasks like fold a blanket or boil water or walk. Item is always something you want and is always $19.95"
a. You guys watch infomercials right? They all start out the same, it always has some old lady or old guy folding a blanket all idiotic "oh I cant match up the corners!" Or struggling lifting up some pot like its 200 lbs but there's barely any water in it. Have you seen the one for the snuggie? the backwards robe? it shows the woman in the beginning just struggling with this small ass blanket trying to keep it on, why don't you just buy a bigger blanket? or a robe? That's why they made a robe, you ARE SELLING A BACKWARDS ROBE! Do you want to look like an idiot in front of all your friends? buy the snuggie! You'll never have friends again! Idiots. And everything in infomercials always cost the same, $19.95! But if you call now! we'll give you a bunch of useless shit! What if I don't call now? that's how they get ya! You see the timer on some of these commercials, like the offer is going to end or something.
b. Ever see the commercials for KGB? Text 542 542 and we'll google something for you behind your back and force you to pay us $2!
5. "Badminton is tennis for pussies"
a. I have no joke for that I would just like to announce it.
6. "Heavy metal bands. Pussy talk. Believe in yourself. Don't drink and drive. Love your parents. Always use a condom."
a. I just need to tell you that all people who have mustaches aren't pedophiles... but all pedophiles have mustaches. Google it. Speaking of pedophiles I was on myspace the other day. I've wanted to do stand-up comedy since I was a little tyke. It's all the love of entertaining people and that's why I do it. If it wasn't stand-up it was being the lead singer in a band. The applause is awesome. I don't want to be like some of these new bands that come out, I searched myspace for bands recently and all of the bands pretty much wanted me to do screamo. I don't do screamo because i'm not... oh.. what's the word... a pussy! Have you seen these bands? They try to act all hard but the moshpits look like a bunch of emo kids trying to swim. And after each song they say something to good moral values, "I JUST WANNA SAY THAT SONG WAS DEDICATED TO YOU! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE! LOVE YOUR PARENTS! ALWAYS USE A CONDOM!" All the emo kids "YEAH! I CUT MYSELF!" "MOMMY NEVER LOVED ME DADDY LOVED ME TOO MUCH!" must have had a mustache.
b. So I tried the whole singing thing for awhile, and as you know you need influences so I looked at all my influences, who I sound like etc. And I started thinking, you know, all these bands have something to them. They all have something you remember them by, red hot chili peppers have that thing with the 't-i-o-n' at the end of every sentence. califooooornia-cay-shyeawn! a yoga instructor? perfect for meditaaay-shyeawn! A hopeless romantic? gave you a red car-nayyyy-SHYEAWN! What if he was a cop? Liscence and registraaaaay-shyeawn!
c. how do we all remember ozzie osbourne? We've seen him in movies, he's had his own show. It's weird how well he sings but when he talks you can't even understand him. Just goes around mumbling all the time, well I guess sylvester stalone does that too, and arnold shwartzenegger, and screw it even keanu reeves sometimes just walks around going "chyea, chyea" Could you imagine ozzie trying to do day to day things? Like going through a drive through? "Welcome to McDonalds, sir, can I take your order?" (mumbles) "I'm sorry sir, what?" (mumbles, ugh, SHARON!) "Oh just sing your order, ozzie!"
I'D LIKE SOME CHICKEN!
WITH A LITTLE SIDE OF FRIES!
GIVE ME A MILK SHAKE!
AND CAN YOU MAKE IT SUPERSIIIIIZED!?
"will that be all sir?" (mumbles, extra napkins please)
7. "Putting extra large shirt stickers on your pants near the crotch."
a. I have no joke for this either I would just like to say I have done this and its funny to me.
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Sounds good enough! Like I said all this was on the spot while I was writing. Comedy at its barest form, I can whittle these down and get the bare meaning, practice timing and such, it'll be awesome. I figure I might as well have some place to put these things before Carlos Menstealia strikes again!
PEACE OUT!
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